Oz's Database
by VampireApple
Summary: Apparently Oz thinks that Hilde is anorexic, Relena is fat and you can be a veteran of war at age fifteen. Or, Duo hacks into personnel files.


Okay, I know that Oz kinda gets disbanded by the time the G-boys are all fighting together, but I'm using some wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey fanficy magic. Also using that for who knew who and when…

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

(((((*)))))

Duonarrowed his eyes at the screen, not really believing what he was seeing. He went through a few more files before he sat back in his chair. "Huh." He scratched the back of his neck.

"Hey! Hilde babe!"

Hilde wondered in a few minutes after he called. "What?"

"So, I hacked into Oz's database-"

"Didn't I tell you to stop doing that?"

"-and I was looking at their personnel files-"

"So?"

"- and I found the ones on us."

Hilde paused. She really shouldn't be getting involved or encouraging him, but… damn her curiosity.

"Okay, what did you find?"

Duo motioned her to sit down. She sat next to him and looked at the screen. Most of the information was standard- her name, a brief overview of her background, her political alliances. When it got to the physical information…

Hilde burst out laughing. "Sixteen? They think I'm sixteen? What, did I start doing missions when I was ten?"

Duo grinned. "I thought you'd like that."

"And 5'2"? Seriously? Even if I was that height, if I weighed 50 pounds, I'd be dead." Hilde rolled her eyes.

Heero came in to see what all the fuss was about.

"Hey, Heero, check out your stats according to OZ," Duo invited.

"I already know the information they have on us."

Duo grinned liked the Cheshire cat. "Have you looked at the physical stats?"

"Hn." Heerolooked over Duo's shoulder. He read silently for a few moments. "I started doing missions when I was fifteen. Even if I was 5'1" 99.2 pounds would be an unhealthy weight. A male of that height should be around weigh around 134 pounds. That does not take into account the muscle mass I have, and would need to have in order for me to be able to do everything I do."

Duo smacked Heero on the arm. "According to OZ, you, me, Quetra and Wu-fei are all fifteen, 5'1" and weight right around 100. Wu-fei is 101, so I guess he's fat. Trowa is sixteen, is 5'3" and weighs 97."

Hilde laughed.

Heero frowned. "That is really unhealthy."

"Is there anyone else in there that we know?" Hilde asked.

Duo smiled wickedly. "Let's look up Relena. Let's see… fifteen, 5'0" and 83 pounds."

"So, they think Relena's fat?" Hilde asked.

"Well, if you're both the same height, and she's thirty pounds more…" Duo trailed off.

"That is still incredibly unhealthy," Heero commented. "A female of that height should be 120."

"Who else can we look up?" Hilde batted Duo's hand away. "Let's look up that crazy one."

Dorothy Caralonia appeared on the screen. Heero and Duo fought a shudder.

"Let's see, fifteen, 5'1" and-" Hilde burst out laughing. "Oh, they really think she's fat! 99 pounds." Hilde snickered.

"Why not look at useful information?" Heero asked. He took control. Treize Kushrenada appeared on the screen.

"Whoa. Twenty-four? Really?" Duo asked. "No one can possibly have done everything he's done at that age. Thirty-five, maybe. Forty or forty-five would be more likely."

"I doubt he is 5'11" as well. The proper weight for a male of that height is 164, 150. Again, he would weigh more because he is physically fit."

"Heero, are you going to make comments about everyone's weight?" Hilde asked.

Heero frowned. "Weight is very important in regards to physical health."

"Let's look up Noin." Duo took control back. "Unreal. Nineteen, 5'5" and 107?"

"The healthy weight would be 136."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Let's just scrolled through this… Une. Nineteen, 5'3" 103 pounds, Zeches nineteen, 6'0", 167…. Hey, here's Sally Po, nineteen, 5'5" and 108… Let's see… huh, they have Catherine, just her age, seventeen… really? Nothing else? They're not even tr-" Duo laughed. "They have her down as Trowa's sister."

"There is no way this information is accurate," Hilde said.

"My respect for them as an advisory has diminished greatly." Heero stated.

"How can they be this incompetent?" Duo wondered.

"It's a mystery of life," Hilde said. "Now, get off the computer and help me make lunch."

Duo sighed. "Yes ma'am.

Heero stared at the screen, wondering how that information had gotten in the database. He shrugged and followed the others to the kitchen.

~several weeks earlier~

"Quatre, what are you doing?" Trowa asked.

"Oh, I'm trying to keep my computer skills sharp, so I'm hacking into Oz's database."

"Really? Hm."

Quatre turned around to look him. "What?"

"What are you looking at?"

"Oh, the personnel files. Heero's already gotten the important information, but they're tricky to get into, so…"

Trowa smiled and pulled a chair up to the desk. "Would you like to have a little fun?"

Wufei came in a few minutes later. "What are you two doing?"

"Um, we're 'trolling' Oz?" Quatre asked.

Wufei smiled. "Oh, I have a few ideas."

(((((*)))))

I got the info from That's seriously what they list the heights and weights at. In this fic I put the ages of the G-boys in the early twenties. Same with Hilde, Relena and everyone around that age. For the people in Oz, at least ten years older than their listed age.


End file.
